Tower of London – Opening hours

Monday 10 am – 4:30 pm

Tuesday 9 am – 4:30 pm

Wednesday 9 am – 4:30 pm

Thursday 9 am – 4:30 pm

Friday 9 am – 4:30 pm

Saturday 9 am – 4:30 pm

Sunday 10 am – 4:30 pm

Nighttime finally.

It wasn’t like the city would get any less busy only because it was a Friday evening. The city wouldn’t just fall asleep with the end of her workday. Now that would be sad, wouldn’t it. But, on the contrary, that’s when things got exciting. At least for the vast majority. Open bars, restaurants, pubs, later followed by clubs offered more than enough opportunities to have a fun night out. And that didn’t even include the theatres and music venues. Eva loved that about London. The bustle of the city. The fact that there were almost always people about. No matter how late she left the office these days, she could depend on passing many people on their way to an evening adventure. It made feel a bit safer, not that alone. Not that she was. Still, she went by unnoticed, walking by the riverside talking. Talking to someone who shouldn’t be there. Someone who probably wasn’t actually there. Someone only Eva could see and hear. She was in dangerous territory but after everything that had happened, she couldn’t care less.

Eva walked through the arch that led to the space in front of the Tower. She came here every evening ever since things changed a few months back. She should hate the place. Usually packed with tourists. Loud. Hurried. But at night, after most of the tourists would move on to more exiting places, she came to cherish it. Learned to call it her own space. Stuff couldn’t overwhelm her there. It could be carried away by the soft sounds of the water engulfing her. It wasn’t quiet, far from it. But Eva didn’t look for quiet. She looked for– Well, she didn’t actually know what she was looking for. Maybe she did, but just refused to acknowledge the little voice in the back of her head.

She supposed, it didn’t matter after all, as she stepped forward and leaned against the iron fence. She exhaled a long breath. It wasn’t the best weather today. The heavy fog wasn’t uncommon for January, for Eva it wasn’t even unpleasant as such. But something, some instinct or just a random feeling told her that this foggy night might have things in store for her that she wasn’t ready to face. Quickly, she tried to ban these thoughts into the back of her mind. She focused on what was in front of her. The Tower Bridge was to her left and the tips of the towers were already clad in fog, harder to make out. She could barely see the red lights of the Shard on her right side. The world around her was disguising itself. Hiding away. Making itself invisible. It gave Eva a sense of unease. What if that would make her stick out? What if the fog wouldn’t swallow her along with the rest of the city. She could feel herself starting to panic. Immediately, she closed her eyes. Focused on her other senses. The damp cold that was slowly creeping through her coat from leaning against the fence. The humidity in the air. The way the tiny droplets of water settled on her head. Her shoulders. The freezing breeze stroke her cheeks and made them burn. The painful reality of this experience grounded her, made her know this wasn’t a dream. Eva opened her eyes again and had to supress a shudder. She’d only arrived minutes ago and was already shivering. Yet, she didn’t leave. She couldn’t.

She looked around. Above her she could see the buses crossing the bridge. Some people walking up there were pulling their coats closer to their bodies seeking any warmth they could get. There was nobody around her though. Unusual. But then, it was January. This felt like the only time that the city was allowed to rest. Eva wished she could rest as well. But lately she felt nothing but restless. She was working, she was sleeping. But nothing seemed to come easy. There was no energy to work and yet at the end of a day she didn’t feel tired enough to just fall asleep. It left her tired in the mornings. No refreshing of energy. It was an exhausting loop she had been living in. But she couldn’t seem to escape.

And then there was this place, so very real and yet haunted by ghosts. Eva’s ghosts. The very particular one she didn’t dare lay to rest. The one that broke her routine just as much as made her conform to it. The one that held a fixed place within it. Eva was frustrated with herself. She didn’t want to end up here, like this. She straightened a little, stepped back from the fence but remained close enough that she could feel the cold reaching out to her. She scrubbed her hands over her face before letting them fall to her sides.

‘You’re going to catch your death if you stay out here any longer’

Eva turned around at the voice, a tired smile on her face. She never waited for him to come. Some days she’d end up alone and that was okay. Still, Eva was happy to hear his voice. To see his face. Get to look into his eyes. It was so rare, so fleeting. She wanted to cherish all the time she could get.

‘Not everyone has a bloody expensive coat to show off’, she retorted.

‘Well, you bought it’

Eva huffed a laugh.

‘I did, yes. Waste of money’

That shut up both of them. She hung her head. Couldn’t look him in the eye. Or just look at him. He still stood far enough away. Didn’t come closer. Respecting her boundaries. It was always her who would approach. That was how it worked. He would stand there waiting.

‘Have you been waiting?’

‘You know I don’t wait’, Eva insisted.

She looked up to see him sigh. It made her chest ache. He shouldn’t have to worry about her now. They should be past that. Turns around they were far from it.

‘Then why do you keep coming here? You could be at home’

‘Is that even a serious question?’

Eva turned around to look out at the Thames again. The fog was still stick. The light from lanterns and monuments tilting the world around them in a soft orange.

‘I’m here because it’s not coded. Not tainted. This is neutral ground without anything attached to it. No emotion. No memories’, she stopped for a moment. Realising the irony of her coming to the Tower repeatedly had made it just that, another place coded with new memories tied to her past.

‘Well, I thought it wasn’t’

She shivered again. It made him step closer. Carefully announcing his presence by a light hand in her right shoulder. When she didn’t step away, he put his arms around her middle. Eva didn’t relax into him, just stayed put. What on earth was she even doing? She was standing in front of the tower of London at half eight in the evening, freezing half to death because she was scared of the ghosts that haunted her at home. Ghosts that followed her to this very place.

‘I’d really like a Mocha’

‘Do you wanna go grab one?’

‘What? From the shitty Starbucks up the road?’

She just shook her head, surprisingly slightly amused with his suggestion. No way that was going to happen. She refused to buy coffee from the big chains, at least as much as she could. Eva knew the right places, so she didn’t have to pay that much more. Though, at the moment she honestly considered making a rare exception. She was freezing and even the prospect of being in a warm space for a minute was becoming more appealing to her by the second. Eva gave the foggy Tower Bridge a long look, then turned around to look at him. From his eyes she could read that he would accept if she decided to stay here but would voice his disagreement. Good thing she could spare herself that speech now.

‘Let’s get that Mocha’

‘Do you want me to come?’

Did she? They haven’t been any public place together for weeks. It had been easier to just stay in front of the Tower together. Sit down on one of the benches and have a conversation. Going to a coffee shop however, exposed them, well her, to the ever-observant eyes of fellow shop visitors. Eva released a sigh. What on earth were they going to think? Wasn’t that why she’d avoided closed spaces in the first place? The opinion of other people. The judgement. The pitiful stares. She’s already been through that but by people she thought were close to her. Most of them Eva didn’t see anymore. They thought she was insane, when all she wanted was have a cup of coffee with the man in front of her. The one who actually cared and didn’t look at her like she was mad. He was concerned, yes. But he’d never pity her. And that was the worst for Eva. It was humiliating. Did she need humiliation at the end of an already exhausting day? No. But right now she needed company and understanding more than her ego. So, did she want him to come with her?

‘Actually, yes. I’d like that’

A careful smile lit up his face, but only so much, because Eva could see the concern in his eyes. She knew it wasn’t a good idea necessarily but today she couldn’t care less. Let the world think she’d lost her mind.

‘Okay then, let’s go’

Side by side they walked along the river side, Eva’s hair now well and truly damp from the humidity of the air. Still, she tried not to let it show how miserable she felt. She’d tried to push it aside all day. Tried to hide how sad she was, how lost she felt in her new reality. The one she hadn’t managed to get quite used to for the past months. She wanted to cry, to shout, to yell at someone to make her stop hurting. To take that pressure off her chest. The one she was going to bed with every night and hadn’t vanished by the time she woke in the mornings. If she’d gotten any sleep at all. Every day she hoped the pain would ease. That by some magic the heavy pressure would be lifted, and she could move on with her life. But she couldn’t. Because it had been her own actions that had ruined everything. And she couldn’t forget. She couldn’t forget the moment–

‘Hey, you’re shaking’

He carefully tucked at her sleeve, tried to get her to stop, to turn her around, while still keeping his distance. Give her space. Eva came to an abrupt stop, almost slipping on the wet stone. Eva put her hands around her middle. Clenched her fists under her armpits. She didn’t dare look at him. More importantly, she had to control her breathing. She could see heavy puffs of white air in front of her. What the hell was going on? It hadn’t been like that before. And that scared her.

‘I see it, you know. Every day. In front of me’

‘Eva–‘

‘No, don’t–‘, her voice broke, ‘Don’t! You’re not the one to give me platitudes! I don’t want to hear them from you’

Eva turned away from him again, not able to look him in the eye and see whatever she would find there. Regret, she guessed. He’d blame himself. He really shouldn’t. She had to close her eyes. Had to focus on anything that wasn’t this moment and the man behind her. She combed her hands through her hair, desperately trying to feel the cold engulfing her once more. It didn’t work. Eva felt her eyes tearing up. A lump forming in her throat. Her chest constricting. The pressure weighing heavy on her. There was no way to run from this or make it stop. She was stuck. Stuck in her past.

‘Are you okay?’

Eva’s head shot up. Her eyes snapped open to find a woman standing a few yards away from her. The stranger seemed to be about her own age, give or take a few years. With one hand she had her coat collar clutched closer around her neck while the other held a coffee cup. Starbucks. Eva was left speechless. Had this woman even been talking to her? She had to be. She was looking right at Eva. And all Eva could see were her eyes. They looked so kind. Nobody had looked at her with something even close to kindness in a while. Still, Eva couldn’t answer.

‘Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you off’, the woman apologised and continued, ‘Is it okay if I come closer?’

Eva gave her an almost unnoticeable nod. She wanted that kindness. Needed it desperately. The woman stepped closer carefully and before Eva noticed what was happening the woman slipped on the cobblestones sending her coffee flying to the ground. Without second guessing herself, almost instinctively, Eva reached out and managed to grab hold of the other woman on her ungraceful way down. When both of them found their footing again, Eva stepped away immediately. Shrinking just the tiniest bit, her arms wrapped around her middle again.

‘Thank you’

‘I had to save you from that dreadful coffee’

Well, where had that come from. Eva stood surprised with her sudden attempt at humour to the situation. How has her stance on this moment shifted so fast and so dramatically.

‘I’m not sure my body will thank you for it. I needed the caffein’, she laughed out a huff and added, ‘Desperately’

Eva felt bad for her and the spilt coffee on the ground. The woman was being unusually kind and just lost a, albeit less than decent, late-night coffee in the process. But Eva knew from her own experience that that’s what happens when you try to help people. You lose something else along the way. Her right hand tried to grab a hold of something. Someone that should have been there, but wasn’t. Old habits.

She sighed.

Then she looked up to find the worried eyes of the woman. Shit, she’d drifted off again. Into the past. Eva glanced to her right side quicky. The man from before still standing behind her, however a bit further away than he used to. She shook her head. She should focus on the person in front of her. Well, slightly to her left.

‘Can I get you a new coffee?’, Eva offered.

‘You don’t have to get me a new–‘

‘No, it’s okay’, Eva interrupted, ‘I was on my way to get a Mocha myself. Decaf though. I’d like to sleep through the night for once’

‘Okay. Lead the way’

Careful, not to slip on the wet cobblestones the two women slowly walked away from the riverside. Eva couldn’t help but look back over her shoulder. He was still standing there. Looking. Waving his hand and earning a faint smile from her as she got further away from him. They walked up the hill and toward the Starbuck’s at the corner of the street. There was still light inside. but Eva knew that they’d be closing soon. They didn’t have much time. Almost at the door, Eva walked only the slightest bit faster to overtake the women beside her and hold the door open for them to enter.

The warmth shot right through her limbs, and she could feel her frozen fingers start to tingle. She rubbed the palms together to create some extra warmth, but it didn’t really help. Then she turned to the woman who was already standing close to the counter, though nobody from the shop was in sight yet. Possibly trying to get out of work early. If only she could be that person. Instead, she was the one to stay late. Every night. Always. For six months now.

‘Is it the mocha for you still?’, the woman brought her back to the then and there.

Mocha? Right, yes they were about to order bad coffee. She had invited the woman, whose name she didn’t even know, Eva realised. She also noticed the other woman getting her purse out of the pocket of her jacket.

‘No, no need. I said I would invite you. I meant it’

‘Thank you’, the woman smiled.

‘So, uhm, what would you like?’

‘Just a Flat White’

With a sharp nod Eva moved to the counter before stopping short. She turned around to find the woman’s puzzled gaze on her. She also seemed mildly amused at Eva in front of her.

‘They might need your name. For the cup’

Eva knew it was cheap, but she didn’t have the strength for complex social interactions that night. Slightly juvenile would have to make do. She waited for a moment only until a knowing but honest smile lit up the woman’s face.

‘It’s Marlene’

Eva moved back to the counter, but Marlene’s voiced stopped her, ‘What? This doesn’t work both ways anymore?’

A surprising smile broke free on Eva’s face and she even had to keep herself from laughing. She hadn’t laughed in a while. She’d been too occupied with grieving the life she’d lost. Still was.

‘Eva’

This time actually going to the counter, she saw someone coming out from a door that possibly led to the staff room. They’d probably heard their voices. Eva quickly placed the order and went to the pickup at the other end of the counter where Marlene was already waiting for her. Together they waited the short amount of time until their coffee’s arrived. They still had about 20 minutes until the shop would close so they decided to go upstairs and stay in the warm a bit longer. And Eva didn’t only mean the warmth of the building. She felt a connection to Marlene that she couldn’t place nor explain. She felt like she should recognise the woman but didn’t. And that ate at her.

Upstairs they went to a table for two. Marlene sat down on the chair while Eva took the bench. She was just taking the first sip of her mocha when she noticed another customer sitting not far from them. It was a man reading the newspaper, but she couldn’t see any cup near him. Strange. Then she saw a black coat on the chair next to him. She knew that coat. Would recognise it out of a thousand because she’d been the one to buy it. The paper rustled and was folded together to reveal the man sitting just across from them. Of course, he’d come after her. He wouldn’t leave her at times like this, when she felt out of order. When she needed her husband to be close. Yet he stayed far enough away to still give her space.

‘Away with the fairies?’

Fuck! Eva had to pull herself together. This was the first ‘normal’ encounter in a long time and she was ruining it by allowing her past to have a hold on her.

‘Not with the fairies, no’

Eva hesitated a little. She so badly wanted to confide in someone. But did that someone have to be a woman she’d only just met? Then they were sitting in a corner Starbucks drinking rather bad coffee.

‘I was thinking about my husband’, Eva confessed.

She searched Marlene’s face for any sign of her feeling uncomfortable or worse, annoyance. She didn’t. Instead, she found Marlene looking at her with understanding, Silently, urging her on with whatever it was that Eva was upset about.

‘He died six months ago’

As she said it, Eva found her husband’s eyes across the room. They kept looking at each other. Eva’s eyes filled with tears and on the edge to spill. It upset her even more that all he did was sitting up the tiniest bit straighter, like he wanted to reach out to her but knew that the gesture wouldn’t do anything to make her feel better. If anything, it would make her feel worse. Would make her feel like she was using his presence to cope, to survive. Well, she’d already done it in one way or another. However, she had only relied on his presence, the possibility to talk to him like she used to. She’d hardly ever let him come as close as to touch her and if he had, she’d never allow herself to reach back. She wouldn’t let go otherwise. Him being here only proved how much she wasn’t coping. How tight she had been holding onto what they had since she’d lost him. And now a third variable had entered their space. Someone with a kind smile and coffee.

Eva turned back to Marlene and found her eyes still on Eva. It seemed as though she hadn’t moved. Had waited for Eva to continue. To go through the story at her own pace. Eva put her hands around her paper cup and took a deep breath.

‘It was all a mess’, she huffed and ran her hands through her hair before holding on to the cup for dear life again. ‘We were both police. Different departments. I was a DI with the CID. Sometimes, we would be assigned to the same investigations, but it had never been a problem before. We had different superior officers–‘

Eva’s voice simply broke. She tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat. Tried to keep her breathing calm and steady. She had to stay in control. Don’t fall apart. Not here. Not for everyone to see. But who even was everyone? The café was empty except for Eva and Marlene. The weather and time of day kept visitors and locals at home or already in pubs and bars. They were alone. Marlene heard the rustle of fabric and noticed Marlenes hands slowly unfolding Eva’s which had the cup in a death grip. She looked from their hands back to Marlene with her eyes wide open. Eva hadn’t noticed how tense she was. Her hands hurt.

‘Do you need some fresh air?’, Marlene suggested.

All Eva could do was nod. Her eyes were shut and her lips pressed together tightly. A squeeze to her hands made her open her eyes again. Marlene helped Eva get up from the bench slowly. She manoeuvred her around the table until they stood face to face, hand still entwined.

‘Come on. Let’s go’

But Eva’s feet didn’t move. Remained rooted to the spot. Instead, her head turned slightly to catch a glimpse of her husband behind her. He was still sat on the chair but now had his coat back on ready to go.

‘Eva?’

She turned back to Marlene to realise that she had followed her gaze over to the other table close to the railing. What would Marlene think of her? Would she leave her alone now? She was looking for ghosts. Eva wanted to say something, but her throat constricted. Her mouth opened but no voice came out.

‘I won’t leave you alone right now, okay?’, Marlene reassured with a determined face, her eyes wandering to the railing table only for the briefest moment.

‘Thank you’

Eva let go of one of Marlenes hands only to hold the other one even tighter. As if Marlene could slip away just as easy as her husband if she let go of her. They left their cups on the table and went down the stairs together. Marlene hung slightly back. Let Eva make the decision of where to go, at what pace. Eva opened the door to let them out of the café. The fog had started to lift and made the air feel even colder. They turned right to follow Lower Thames Street and Marlene followed without question.

‘Do you want to go home?’, Marlene asked.

Eva let her head hang, released a long breath and answered, ‘No, not really’

That was the whole point of her late-night walks. She could escape her empty flat for a few hours longer. If she was lucky, she would even take hold of her surroundings if she was exhausted enough. But that was rarely the case. She’d always enter her flat and be haunted by memories of her husband. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t escape them.

‘When I’m home, I’m alone. It’s just silent. There is nothing. I–‘, she had to take a breath, ‘I can’t handle that’

‘That’s okay. Still, you should try to get some sleep’

‘I don’t sleep particularly well’, Eva confessed.

Every time she closed her eyes, she was reminded of the night she’d lost him. There had been a bar raid. Shots were fired. Customers kept inside a bar. Threatened to be killed. The motive hadn’t been clear. They’d called in staff from all around London, needed the officers. But things got out of hand quickly enough. Chains of Command changed so fast that they’d lost sight of who was responsible for which unit. When she was put in charge, she hadn’t even noticed that her husband was now under her command. She’d been focused on the job at hand. The reinforcement had taken its time. Time, they didn’t have. Eva had tried to keep a clear head and thought she’d known what she was doing. She knew now that she’d been careless, reckless to send in the armed officers but an ambush had seemed to be the best option. She’d send in the officers and had stood by as the first shots were fired. She’d heard everything through the comms. Could remember as clear as day when someone had shouted that there was an officer down. She could still recall the voiced that had said her husband’s name. She woke up to that voice every morning.

‘I see him die every day, Marlene. I can see myself send them into the building. I can hear the shots being fired. I can hear myself giving the order to keep going. I remember the crack in the comms. I hear someone’s voice saying his name. Either, it won’t let me rest or it wakes me up at night’

She stepped closer to Marlene, clung to her hand and arm a little tighter. Marlene only drew Eva closer, no intention to leave her alone with this.

‘I’m just– so tired’

Marlene pulled them into a halt on the pavement. She stepped directly in front of Eva and sought her eyes. They were downcast but when Eva looked up Marlene could see the fear and hurt that Eva had lived with.

‘And you’re allowed to be but be honest with yourself more than anybody else. Do you want to keep going like that?’

Did she want that? Did she want to leave her flat first thing in the morning only to go for what had become a ten-hour day at work? Did she want to walk through half of London day in and day out to avoid going home, only to lie awake for hours when she eventually did? It sounded worse now that Eva had allowed herself to see her life for what had become in the past months. It had become a deadly black whole that was swallowing her the further she let herself drift away from people. The more she drowned herself with work. The more she sought out the presence of her husband. She was holding on to threads and pieces of a life that no longer existed. A reality that was slowly fading away. And the more she held on to it, the more she was fading along with it. Obviously, Eva didn’t want to keep going like that, but she also couldn’t just let go of what had kept her ‘being’. The memories and the guilt.

So, she answered Marlene, ‘No, but I can’t just let go of my old life. Of him’

Marlene took a step closer towards Eva and ran her hand up Eva’s arms until they rested atop of her shoulders. Eva followed Marlene’s every movement but didn’t move away. She was glad of Marlene’s presence. She was glad of someone else being there with her. Of Marlene listening, not judging.

‘Nobody expects you to just forget but there is a way to move on without torturing yourself any longer’

‘I– I don’t know what to say to that’

‘Then don’t say anything’

Eva watches as Marlene moved her hands from her shoulders and took a stead hold of her hands again. They stayed like that for a moment. Eva even forgot about the freezing January air chilling her to the bones again. She only saw what was right now in front of her and she knew she could make the first step forward.

‘I think I need to go home’

Marlene gave her a quick smile before walking ahead and pulling Eva after her softly.

‘So, where is home?’

‘Camden’

‘Hm’, Marlene huffed out a laugh, ’17 then’

‘17’, Eva confirmed. She drew in a deep breath that caused Marlene to look at her imploringly. Eva had only just met Marlene, but her starvation of human connection led her to cling onto what she was given. She knew she shouldn’t exploit what Marlene was offering but she was a little bit desperate and just so incredibly lonely. Not even her late-night conversations with her husband could change that. He hadn’t followed them along. For fucks sake, he wasn’t real, Eva knew that. But Marlene, she could be. So, Eva decided to be brave.

‘Would you mind staying with me for a bit longer?’

‘No, not at all. As long as you’re fine with it’

‘More than fine’

They started walking again. There was a bus stop for N17 not far from where they had just stopped. A bit further down the street, right at the London Bridge. It could be so easy to get home, Eva realised. All she had to do was take a bus and exit at the right stop. She’d used busses before, of course. She’d never stopped using them completely, took the bus to work every morning but in her wish of solitude in the evenings, she’d resorted to walking. Even if that meant spending about two and a half hours and close to seven miles on her way back home from work. At least, like that her feet would hurt at the end of the day and she could focus on another one than the one crushing her chest. Today seemed different though. Her feet didn’t want to cooperate anymore. They were as tired as she was from the current and repeated exhaustion that had been going on in recent times.

When they’d finally reached the bus stop there were no other people waiting with them. The fog had now lifted and only very few clouds were in the sky. The air was chillier than before and both women had their coats tucked around them while standing close together, their shoulders touching. Care drive past them but they hardly noticed anything around their tiny bubble. Occasionally, Eva glanced to her right to see if the bus was already approaching and when she finally saw the 17 coming closer, she held out her hand for the bus to stop. The bus slowed down and came to a stop almost right in front of them. Eva noticed that it was surprisingly empty for that time of day since only two people exited the bus. Eva entered the bus first, quickly holding her card to the machine until the tiny orange light turned green and the quick beep could be heard. She went towards the stairs and held onto one of the rails until Marlene was next to her again. Together they went upstairs and sat down in the second row on the left-hand side. Eva took the window seat, and Marlene took hold of her hand again as they settle to the bus accelerating and continuing its journey through the London night.

At this point Eva had lost all sense of time. She remembered getting to the shabby Starbucks at around half eight and considering that they closed at nine, they must have left slightly before that. But how long had it taken them to get to the bus stop? Had they stopped to talk for a long time? Eva didn’t know. And she refused to look any clock around her. For once she enjoyed letting herself go a little.

‘Is this okay?’, Eva asked and gestured to Marlene’s shoulder. She needed connection right now, someone to ground her. It wasn’t even about using Marlene; she genuinely liked her in some way. If only they’d met later, when Eva was no longer defined by her past. But they were here now. Not in the morning, not in two days, not in three months. Now. Marlene gave her a nod of approval and Eva let her head rest on her shoulder. Then she felt an arm wrapping around her shoulders and a hand settling on her left one, slowly drawing circles. Eva released a long breath. She could fall asleep like that. And yet, there was a little voice in the back of her head that kept her on edge. Eva couldn’t exactly say why, since it had become significantly quieter the more time she spent with Marlene. The more she let herself live in this moment. This present. So, why on earth was her body telling her that something wasn’t quite as it should have been.

‘If I asked you out for coffee’, Marlene said softly, ‘Would you say yes?’

For a moment Eva thought she’d imagined the question but Marlene drawing away just a fraction assured her that the question was actually asked. Still, she didn’t have an answer right away. Would she say yes to coffee? Probably, yes. But what about after coffee?

‘Next stop Mansion House Station’

Only a few hours ago she was standing at the Tower talking to her dead husband, not even thinking about taking the bus home and know she was contemplating going for a coffee with someone who, for all that’s worth, was nothing more than a stranger.

‘What would that mean for you? Coffee’

‘It would mean going to a café and talking to you’

Eva released a breath. No expectations then. No pressure. Coffee and the chance to talk to someone who didn’t think she was mad or too caught up in the past. But at the same time no intentions to set things up for a possible future.

‘Coffee is all I can offer at the moment’

‘That a yes then?’

Eva didn’t turn her head, but she could feel the smile on Marlene’s face. And against all her expectation she also found the corners of her lips twitched upwards. What was going on with her? She hadn’t felt anything but grief and guilt for the past months and now there was this woman spilling a cup of bad Starbucks coffee and breaking through all her walls she’d carefully constructed. Eva reached out and took hold of Marlene’s right hand that was resting in her lap.

‘A careful one. And I’m telling you it won’t be Starbucks!’

They both had to chuckle. How was it that all came down to bloody Starbucks of all places? Eva hated that place it was detached if anything. But then, so had she been. Maybe still was.

The bus came to an abrupt stop and Eva glanced out of the window. She hadn’t really paid any attention to her surroundings. She hoped they hadn’t missed their stop. She looked out of the window to see brick houses to her left. Not exactly telling. She tried to look what was on her other side and in front of her. White house to the right, pretty narrow road in front of her. They had to be in Holborn somewhere. Chancery Lane, possibly. It was dark and she didn’t know this part of the city that well. At least, Eva was sure they hadn’t missed their stop. Though traffic was unusually light this night. But then, she’d already noticed that there weren’t that many people around. Strange.  What was it about this night that narrow everything down to the most essential things. It had all started with the fog. Narrowing her world. Then the empty coffee shop and the closeness she felt with Marlene. And suddenly they had been outside, and the fog had lifted a bit. She’d started to feel lighter, see things clearer. Suddenly, her breath hitches and her hand shot out to find Marlene’s again. She only found thin air. What the hell?!

Eva could feel herself panicking, she sat up straight, back rigid, and gripped the seat in front of her hard. Her knuckles turned white. Her breathing became shallow, irregular. She didn’t dare turn her head around. Closed her eyes.

‘Marlene?’

‘I’m still here’

An unexpected sound, close to a relieved laugh escaped Eva’s mouth. Her grip on the seat relaxed, just as some of the tension left her body. She could feel her breathing even out and let her back fall back into the seat. Carefully, as though she could ruin a perfect illusion, she turned her head to find Marlene next to her, reaching out the moment their eyes met. Eva reached back almost immediately and took Marlene’s hand again, before snuggling back into her side, head resting on her shoulder again.

They just sat there as the streetlights passed by them. The bus stopped every once in a while, to pick up the odd passenger. Some were climbing the stairs, others were staying downstairs. But Eva didn’t really notice. Her eyes were ahead to the city in front of her, yet somehow not entirely present. The edges of her vision felt blurry, and her sight seemed obscured, misty.

Next stop King’s Cross Station/York Way

‘Next one is ours’, Eva muttered absently, almost half asleep.

‘I thought you said Camden. As in Camden, Camden’, Marlene questioned

‘What? This not Camden enough for you?’, Eva teased, ‘For all you know I could be living right around the corner’

‘But you don’t’

‘I don’t’, Eva smiled.

Next stop Wharfdale Road/London Canal Museum

As the bus started moving away from King’s Cross, Eva reached around Marlene to press the stop button. They both got up from their seats and climbed down the stairs, never letting go of each other hands. The doors opened and they stepped out into the chilly night. They turned around the corner back into York Way and walked up the street toward Granary Square. Once they reached the square, it was relatively empty except for some people crossing or sitting on one of the benches next to the fountains to check their phones. Possibly waiting for others or just enjoying the piece of being alone for a moment. On the other end of the square Eva could see the light spill out of the windows of buildings and restaurants around. The light wasn’t necessarily blinding. Instead, it cast a soft orange glow that stretched out across the square. The Christmas lights had already been taken town and only the lights of the fountain, the installed lamps in the ground and the almost pyramid shaped monument remained. It lured Eva in somehow, drew her to one of the benches. With Marlene behind her she walked over to one of the benches. But unease kept creeping in. People were looking weirdly at Merlene behind her then back at Eva. She tried to ignore them as best as she could and focus on the moment she shared with Marlene. They sat down together, hands entwined, looking up.

‘They’re so beautiful’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, the stars obviously’

Eva looked up to see nothing, but the city lights reflected in the dark sky above. This was London. There were no stars above. None that she could see anyways. She closed her eyes and shook her head. Her arms wrapping around her middle once more. She’d done it again. Let someone give her hope. Hope that she wouldn’t be alone in this life for longer. And it wasn’t meant to be. All because they didn’t see the same sky. She shuddered and a tear rolled down her face. Eva didn’t even bother to wipe it away. She had been holding it in for far too long. Everything that had happened. Her husband dying. Her friends turning away. Becoming solitary first. Lonely later. Looking for ghosts, she could never hold.

‘You’re crying’

Marlene turned around, her free hand carefully reaching out to take hold of Eva’s. At the touch of their palms, Eva opened her glassy eyes and found Marlene’s. She thought she’d see concern directed at her. Worry. But none of that. It was relief. Eva didn’t understand. What did any of this mean?

‘There are no stars’, Eva simply stated.

Her gaze going up to the sky again. How she wished she could see them too. See what Marlene saw but couldn’t. She was still here. To stay. If she was entirely honest, she didn’t want to leave. That had never been an option. She just wanted to be free of the guilt that she was carrying along. The guilt of having caused her husband’s death. The inability to let go of both guilt and grief. Instead, she tried to keep him close. See him where nobody else would notice. In rooms full of people. Crowded places. A space he could exists alongside her again. No questions asked. Her guilt still there but her grief kept at bay. Until today. Until Marlene. Until someone else came to haunt her. Haunt her over coffees and winter coats. Someone who had broken her reality by using her own tricks. Showing her a crowded space and seeing the plainly obvious through it all. There was nothing there.

‘There are no stars’, Eva repeats.

As though her words would make the stars magically appear. Would make her husband come home. She loved them both too much to lose them–

But she already had.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, a sob broke free and with it a heavy weight started to lift from her chest. Maybe for the first time in months she allowed herself to cry. To not hold back. Immediately, Marlene let go of Eva’s hands and instead wrapped her arms around her. Eva burying her face in her neck.

‘I don’t even know who you are’

‘You don’t have to’, Marlene reassured, ‘It doesn’t matter’

‘It should’

With her face damp and her eyes red from crying, Eva only pulled back a bit to look at Marlene. Her eyes were as kind as ever. They were so familiar and yet she didn’t think she’s seen them before. Not consciously. Maybe Marlene was right, and it didn’t matter. All she could read them now and understood what she had to do. Eva had to face the past and learn to let it go. Learn to live with it and from it.

‘You were so kind to me. Why?’

‘So now you know how to be kind to yourself’, Marlene clarified, ‘It’s okay to be’

Marlene slipped further away, even as Eva squeezed her hands, trying to signal her that she should stay. Marlene only smiled apologetically, and Eva understood. There was nothing to cling to. Nothing to hold on to. Whatever it was they shared it was gone. Eva couldn’t or wouldn’t remember. But she knew that she had to let go.

Slowly, Marlene got up from the bench, pulled Eva with her before carefully loosening the hold of their hands. She walked backwards until Eva knew she couldn’t hold on any longer. Their hands being torn apart. Eva’s arms fell back to her sides as she watched Marlene give her one last smile before turning around and walking into the distance. Slipping, fading away into the city around them. Eva stood with tears in her eyes but couldn’t bring herself to look anywhere else. If that was all she had of Marlene, she would take it. She’d remember.

Suddenly, she felt someone brushing her right hand carefully. Eva didn’t need to check, she knew who was back at her side. As always. She allowed they hands to link but didn’t dare turn to face him. Because then, she would make him stay, she’d already made him stay for far longer than she should have. Refused to let him rest. She squeezed his hand just as Marlene vanished around a corner.

‘I will remember you’

She needed some grounding, but he couldn’t give it to her. He wasn’t here. He hadn’t been there for the last six months. Not in the way she had wanted, well, needed him to be. He was in her thoughts always. And she had to let that be enough. She had to make the memories they ‘d made together count more than the hurt and guilt that had overcome her when she’d lost him. Marlene was right. She hadn’t been kind. Not to him and not to herself. And she had to stop. She had to stop thinking of what person he could have been and remember him for who he was and what they had together. Lazy Monday mornings after a weekend full of work. Holidays in Portugal looking ahead to the sea. Discussions over an unnecessary new hoover. Walks home along the riverside–

Eva took a hopeful yet apprehensive step to her side. What she was hoping for she didn’t quite know herself. Was it some form of last comfort? Was it connection after just having let go of Marlene? Or was it something else entirely?

She didn’t loosen her grip but only stepped into thin air, almost falling into a stranger walking by. She turned around. There was nobody there. He was gone. She was on her own.

‘I love you’

For the longest time Eva just stood rooted to the spot. She didn’t move away from the bench, nor did she sit back down. Her arms were at her sides, her coat slightly open moving with the breeze just like her hair. Where should she go from here? Suddenly, the wind picked up again and the harsh wind hit her and went right through her bones. She felt the cold seep through her but stronger this time. Almost as though parts of the numbness she’d carried was slowly dissipating. It wasn’t gone completely. But she could actually feel it not just know that it was supposed to be cold.

Only now did Eva realise how much she’d been focused solely on surviving, the basic need to breath sometimes felt like the hardest thing to do. Like she’d been a rock in the middle of a stormy sea, unable to move but constantly fighting not to drown. The waves just kept crashing in on her and hardly giving her any chance to catch her breath. She’d been so focus on breathing, on keeping her head above water, to survive that she didn’t have the energy, the headspace to focus on anything else. Again and again, she’d been put through that circle. She would have been given a moment of calm, a single moment of her life as she knew it before she’d been going under again. And with every time that had happened it was harder to fight the water. She had grown more exhausted. Tired. Yet, she never fully gave in. There had been something that kept her going. Had kept her fighting to survive. And she had survived, but at what cost?

As another blast of wind hit her, Eva pulled her lose coat tight. She looked up at the sky again. There were no stars. Though that didn’t necessarily mean anything now did it. Eva knew well enough that even though she couldn’t see them it didn’t mean that the stars weren’t there. Even more so, the ones she was able to see were likely dead, no longer part of the universe. Still the light needed time to travel, to reach the earth and so, even though a star might have died millions of years ago, she could still see it. Whereas many stars that were out there right now, were out of reach, impossible to see or get a clear picture of. Their presence was there, so were the stars already lost to time, but only the present stars were still possible to reach, even though you didn’t have a picture of them yet.

Eva looked down. Exhaled sharply.

Time to go home.

She stepped away from the metallic bench behind her and slowly crossed Granary Square again. This time not with the plan to get lost someplace else, to wander the city like she’d probably done any other day. No, today she would go home. She would get into bed and try to get some sleep. She was exhausted beyond measure. And she was tired of being exhausted. She’d noticed it before, but she’d always failed to acknowledge it before. But no more of that. If Eva was honest, she wanted nothing more than to curl up in her bed. Her bed that was warm that, despite everything, gave her comfort. She wanted to sleep until her eyelids didn’t feel as heavy anymore, until the fog covering her eyes lifted even more. Until she could make herself a decent cup of coffee and spend some more time resting. She didn’t yet know how she wanted to go from there, but for now she knew that she wanted to be awake properly again and once the weekend was over and Monday rolled around, she would try and figure things out properly.

By the time she had almost reached her flat, she could tell that morning would be coming around soon. The first people would get up to go for a run, to walk the dog, some would have to get up and go to work. On bad days that would have been Eva, but not today. London would wake up, turn back into the bustling city that Eva knew only too well. But Eva, she hoped that for the first time in months she might actually get to rest.

Eva walked around the corner into her street only to collide with another woman.

‘I’m so sorry!’, they both said simultaneously.

Eva instinctively took a step back, eyes on the ground.

Strange. The voice sounded familiar. But surely it couldn’t be? Carefully, she looked up to find a woman in running gear standing in front of her. She had a scarf wrapped around her neck and a woollen hat sat on her head to protect herself from the harsh January wind. Even though her face was partly covered with fabric, Eva would know these eyes anywhere. The kindest eyes she had ever seen. She’d last seen them a few hours ago walking away from her, fading away.

‘Marlene?’

The other woman’s eyes narrowed immediately. She didn’t recognise Eva. But what even was going on here? Was Marlene real? Was she really standing in front of her? Or was this her mind playing tricks with her once again? But she had definitely reacted to the name, hadn’t she? But even if she had, Eva could see the caution in her eyes. She wasn’t scared, no, Marlene seemed apprehensive.

‘Sorry, do we know each other?’, Marlene asked confused, the shimmer of caution now manifesting in her voice.

Eva knew Marlene had every right to be confused. Unexpectedly, there was this woman, this stranger, saying her name like they knew each other. Like they had history. But they didn’t. Not really. Not yet.

‘No, I don’t think so’, Eva admitted. ‘I just– You seem familiar. I think I’ve heard someone mention you before’

It sounded like a well enough explanation. If she’d only just moved here, there surely would have been whispers around the neighbours about the new woman having moved in. Not that Eva had heard any of them, she’d been far too busy working and keeping her inner turmoil at bay. At least, that was what she’d told herself. Besides, there was no point in telling Marlene that Eva thought they had met last night and Eva pouring her heart out over shitty Starbucks coffee. But maybe she could tell Marlene someday. The Merlene standing in front of her. Eva only hoped she wouldn’t be turned down.

‘I’ve only just moved in. Maybe you’ve seen me carry some boxes about’, Marlene answered.

But some colour had entered both her voice and her expression. Whereas caution had been prevalent before it was now replaced by something different. Was Marlene amused by this situation? But then, they were standing at the corner of a street at what was probably about five or six in the morning. It was freezing and they were talking about moving houses.

‘Maybe, yes’, Eva played along a little, letting her voice become somewhat more teasing.

‘So, which number are you in?’

Eva almost wanted to take the words back entirely. She’d already behaved strangely enough with knowing Marlene’s name. Now she was asking for addresses.

But to her surprise Marlene only huffed out a laugh and answered, ‘11’

At that Eva had to look down. A small smile crept across her face. Eva tried to hide it. That hadn’t been an issue mere hours ago. Why was she hiding it now? Or was this hiding? Maybe it was caution as well. Maybe hesitation. Maybe hope.

‘Why are you smiling?’

Eva looked back up to find Marlene’s eyes on her already. She was so glad she could see her eyes again, so incredibly kind. Shining even brighter because of a careful but honest smile that was now reflected right at Eva. And in this moment, not just that. Marlene seemed to have the same hope in her eyes that Eva felt. Still caution. Curiosity. A hint of irritation and amusement. But through all that Eva could see something else shimmering through. And she couldn’t name it just yet.

‘I’m in 13’

Marlene’s expression shifted a little, understanding replacing the caution fully. As if she had only just managed to figure out something new about Eva. Something that might have just changed the way she saw her. Not in a negative or positive way, no. It seemed like a new piece to a puzzle that gave her a more rounded view of the person in front of her.

‘Neighbours then’, Marlene smiled.

Both of them seemed to have forgotten about the awful weather around them. The darkness of the morning and the glow of the streetlights around them. The fog hadn’t returned on Eva’s walk home and the air had almost dried up, leaving a stinging cold. Eva still felt the cold and she was grateful that she did, but the tiny bubble that now existed around them made her feel a little bit warmer.

‘So, what do you say, neighbour?’, Marlene said teasingly, ‘Do you want to get coffee some time?’

For a moment, Eva was left speechless. Coffee, of course it was. She smiled again but didn’t look away this time. She kept her eyes on Marlene, who looked back at her hopefully, smiling at her and Eva knew her answer.

‘Yes, I’d like that’